Mary Coughlan

Who is this woman, because I haven’t got a fucking clue? According to a website I just checked out she is Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries and Food. When the Big G was putting together a little list of Ministries on the ninth day of creation he kind of screwed Coughlan over. To begin with she really doesn’t need a salary of €240,000 a year for having to deal with the odd potato blight, disgruntled salmon fishermen and banning Portuguese food from Tesco. Sure fuck, we dealt fine with the last famine…population control and all that good stuff. I heard somewhere that Coughlan invented the lava lamp. Is this true???? Probably…. I do hope that its not one of those “lampoons” we hear about so often.

Mary Coughlan doesn’t have her own website, so I am going out on a limb with some of me yarns about her. She hit the Dail with a passion in 1987 at the age of 21. According to her wikipedia page she also went to UCD and worked as a social worker. Haughey was a massive fan of having young college girls strolling about the House, especially elected ones. Even more so if they wore his favourite…Reebok LA Lights.

So at the age of 21, did this woman divide her week into 3 days of lectures, 8 hours of helping junkies off heroine and 40 minutes of getting her arse grove in order in one of Leinster House’ backbenches? Probably…

In my own humble opinion I think this picture above of Coughlan (the auld one on the left) is fucking genius. Some Fianna Fail dickwad took it while Mary was on a trip to J-Pan and thought it would be cool to post it on the party’s webpage. Check out the guns on Coughlan, she has to be on protein shakes. Man she doesn’t need that dagger for the oyster, she could just fucking rip the thing open with her teeth. Either the Japanese bird is seriously crossed-eyed or she is scared to shit that Mary is going to tear her face off and stab her in the neck with that mini-dagger. That is a face of pure Nipponese fear…. ‘Iwo Jima 1945 -Yanks about to land on the beach fear’.

Coughlan deserves her €240k a year because the beatch is inspired. You can have your heroes like Bono, Nelson Mandela or Dana. Coughlan has Bobby…Bobby Kennedy. This is her personal message on the FF website:

“Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centres of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”

This is one of my favourite quotes from Robert Kennedy. He made the comments in 1966 and they are equally relevant today, because this is what politics is about. It’s about making change, making a difference and bettering society in a true republican ideal, which is central to Fianna Fáil’s own ideology and raison d’etre.

Where the flip to begin? First off Mary, its harsh to rob the words of a man who passed away in a rancid fashion for use on a shabby Fianna Fail website. Its just bad out. Secondly Mary, renting out ‘Bobby’ from Xtra Vision and skipping to the last chapter on the DVD doesn’t mean you’re inspired. Its just laziness. And finally, I don’t know how the fuck you can transfer a sense of inspiration or a need to send forth a tiny ripple of hope into the Department of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food on Kildare Street. You’re yapping through your hole Coughlan.

Mary hopes that we find our visit to the Department of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food website to be a stimulating experience. It appears that she wants us to have a big wank while browsing the Site Map section.

Sound.