Tommy Broughan

Tommy Broughan is hard. He is one of those politicians who you see walking around Leinster House like a mad yoke sporting a Ben Sherman luminous rainjacket, white Lacoste runners with his hand constantly rammed down a pair of Adidas tracksuit bottoms. The bitches love this kind of shit on Kildare Street…apparently. Tommy represents Coolock and Donaghmede in Dublin – that’s why he’s hard. You know all those knife attacks you hear about every twenty minutes on Lyric FM – they’re all Tommy. He has lost a little bit of it now that he lives in swanky Howth, County Dublin, but fuck man – give him a dodgy look and Broughan will bottle ye on the Dart.

According to Tommy on his website, he was born and reared in Clondalkin, which has been “the ancestral home of my (his) family for centuries past”. His folks have got to be pissed that he broke the family line and fucked off to Howth. I reckon he made the right decision. Clondakin has a massive carpark (more commonly known as the M50) beside it and it ranks second only to Baghdad for the number of deaths on a Saturday night linked to ethnic violence.

(*Note to Tommy about your website: the personal background section should be a brief description of where you first learned to throw bricks at the 51 bus, not the start of a ‘Lord of the Rings’ type mythical story.)

Broughan is a member of many useless councils and committees, including the “Northside Security Services”, which does a bit of keying ‘08 cars on Sunday afternoons and plays Bridge on Thursday nights with members of his local hospice.

Akin to his Fine Gael counterpart Leo Varadkar, Broughan is the Labour Spokesperson for Wank, Wank and Wank or Enterprise, Trade and Employment. I don’t know for sure if there is any enterprise or trade of a legal nature done in his Dublin constituency and if there is it’s probably something that has its financial backing from a drug racket or prozzie ring…like Woodies on the Malahide Road or the Post office in Bayside.

Tommy has been warming the Opposition benches for an embarrassingly long time since his election to the Dail for Dublin North East in 1992. I’ve heard him regularly refer to this situation as “bent” on programmes like Primetime and Loose Women.

Apart from bottling people, Broughan is ‘mad in-te’ his supped up Mazda, tinted windows, robbing cars, joyriding cars, burning cars out, robbing more cars, Tiesto, his new Nokia and his bird. He also likes watching the ‘Tic’ beat Rangers. He doesn’t like parsnip, guitar music or when Rangers win. I got all this shite off his bebo profile (which impressively has over 967,000 hits).

Which is also what he is turning around to look at in the above photo. According to a Labour spokeswoman I contacted, Tommy likes to spend a lot of his time on Bebo…updating his profile, writing “Gilmore is a sap” on Gilmore’s wall (oddly enough) and seeing if his bird has any new photos up from Tina’s weekly gaff parties.

Broughan, on the left, is showing what I can only assume is an audience, where he gets his hits from in the Bebo map section. Most of them are from his mate Deco.

At this point in time I would like to mention that Tommy is a local TD of mine and I say fair play to him. It takes some balls to rob cars from Darndale in broad daylight, burn them out beside the Coolock copshop and still have the audacity to run for a seat in Leinster House. Fair fucks indeed.

Mary Coughlan

Who is this woman, because I haven’t got a fucking clue? According to a website I just checked out she is Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries and Food. When the Big G was putting together a little list of Ministries on the ninth day of creation he kind of screwed Coughlan over. To begin with she really doesn’t need a salary of €240,000 a year for having to deal with the odd potato blight, disgruntled salmon fishermen and banning Portuguese food from Tesco. Sure fuck, we dealt fine with the last famine…population control and all that good stuff. I heard somewhere that Coughlan invented the lava lamp. Is this true???? Probably…. I do hope that its not one of those “lampoons” we hear about so often.

Mary Coughlan doesn’t have her own website, so I am going out on a limb with some of me yarns about her. She hit the Dail with a passion in 1987 at the age of 21. According to her wikipedia page she also went to UCD and worked as a social worker. Haughey was a massive fan of having young college girls strolling about the House, especially elected ones. Even more so if they wore his favourite…Reebok LA Lights.

So at the age of 21, did this woman divide her week into 3 days of lectures, 8 hours of helping junkies off heroine and 40 minutes of getting her arse grove in order in one of Leinster House’ backbenches? Probably…

In my own humble opinion I think this picture above of Coughlan (the auld one on the left) is fucking genius. Some Fianna Fail dickwad took it while Mary was on a trip to J-Pan and thought it would be cool to post it on the party’s webpage. Check out the guns on Coughlan, she has to be on protein shakes. Man she doesn’t need that dagger for the oyster, she could just fucking rip the thing open with her teeth. Either the Japanese bird is seriously crossed-eyed or she is scared to shit that Mary is going to tear her face off and stab her in the neck with that mini-dagger. That is a face of pure Nipponese fear…. ‘Iwo Jima 1945 -Yanks about to land on the beach fear’.

Coughlan deserves her €240k a year because the beatch is inspired. You can have your heroes like Bono, Nelson Mandela or Dana. Coughlan has Bobby…Bobby Kennedy. This is her personal message on the FF website:

“Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centres of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”

This is one of my favourite quotes from Robert Kennedy. He made the comments in 1966 and they are equally relevant today, because this is what politics is about. It’s about making change, making a difference and bettering society in a true republican ideal, which is central to Fianna Fáil’s own ideology and raison d’etre.

Where the flip to begin? First off Mary, its harsh to rob the words of a man who passed away in a rancid fashion for use on a shabby Fianna Fail website. Its just bad out. Secondly Mary, renting out ‘Bobby’ from Xtra Vision and skipping to the last chapter on the DVD doesn’t mean you’re inspired. Its just laziness. And finally, I don’t know how the fuck you can transfer a sense of inspiration or a need to send forth a tiny ripple of hope into the Department of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food on Kildare Street. You’re yapping through your hole Coughlan.

Mary hopes that we find our visit to the Department of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food website to be a stimulating experience. It appears that she wants us to have a big wank while browsing the Site Map section.

Sound.