Brian Lenihan

There are two things you need to know about Brian Lenihan. (1) He is amazing at Rounders. If that boy gets to second base, by Moses he will make it home. A solid winner. (2) He likes his deportations as much as his Tangle Twisters. And he really...really likes his Tangle Twisters.

So above is a photo of Brian with with some kid who is about to throw up, her family and their guide dog. Jesus, the man looks demented - look at those eyes. Speaking of eyes, it would explain a lot of shit if it was found that Lenihan was blind. Maybe it's his dog and he brought it along to the ceremony for free Pedigree chum snacks.

Brian was born in 1959 and had the family business passed down to him when his pa hit the turf. Its amazing how many by-elections in Ireland can be won by simply canvassing with a relative's obituary in tow, a taiser, and a stupid fucking grin. Anyway, this point has nothing to do with the election of 'Leno' (as his mates like to call him) to the Dail in 1996. His whole family have been pissing around Kildare Street since the time of Gladstone, selling tin and shit. Mary-Lisp O'Rourke is his aunt. I'll leave it at that.

After the election of 2007 Leno was appointed Minister for Justice, Equality and Law Reform. In fairness to the bloke, that does sound kind of bad-ass. The problem though is that Brian has done little on the auld equality side of things. On weekends, he likes to engage in a little bit of deporting in the style of 1930's Germany.

Unknown to many, Leno orders his own deportations. This puppy doesn't need civil servants, lawyers or even the fucking courts. He has his own SS, the Blanchardstown Garda force. First thing you know, you're Nigerian and taking your kid to Burger King in the Tallaght Square Shopping Centre and then bang!!!, you and your little nipper are in the back of an unmarked Ford Mondeo on the way to the big barn in Santry, having a Ryanair ticket to Luton shoved in your face. That is how shit goes down in "Leno's Land" (from his website).

If you do manage to get some hippy from Amnesty Ireland to delay your deportation by a few days, Brian takes this as a personal insult. Another thing that few ordinary people know is that Leno has a first class honours in Law from knob-filled Trinity and a first class Masters in Law from Cambridge. Which means that he has done some lurid things against his wishes...very lurid things indeed. It also means that he knows his shit and doesn't need state appointed lawyers to get these foreign terrorists out, he is the fucking state.

Researching this article I contacted the Department of Justice, Equality...blah blah blah by phone. The receptionist wanted to remain anonymous but I got the crux of what Leno wants to do in this term of office. "His is really going to fuck those immigrants up", stated my insider in a surprising note of glee, "Seriously fuck them up - you ain't seen shit yet". Apparently, the plan is to turn Lambay Island, off the coast of Dublin, into some sort of Ellis Island facility, where your usual types; the young, sick, feeble, returning emmigrants from Leitrim, could be weeded out and sent back home.

Happy days.