Richard Bruton

As we look ahead to 2009 there are two things we can be certain of. The global economy will continue to take a massive diarrhoea infused dump on Ireland Inc. Secondly, and not far off the theme of the first certainty, Fine Gael’s Richard Bruton will continue in his quest to have every lavatory in Leinster House fitted with a beday. So far he has been pretty successful – the graph in the picture above shows levels of usage on Kildare Street. (The drop in the middle part of the graph was as a result of Jackie Healy-Rae’s episode of constipation in July). So will RB be our economic knight in shining armour in 2009? Probably not, but he might be.

Managed to get my hands on a FG internal memo put together by Bruton’s economic team of ex-Palin staff. I picked this baby up under a Freedom of Information Act request. Instead of giving FG money for the FOI I bartered for it with my 1995/1996 Premiership season sticker book collection (complete with three Eric Cantona's). Its an impressive document - as is the FG memo. Below is the gist of the Bruton's plan of action.

(1.) Halt construction completely of Dublin Airport Terminal 2. On its site put an army of unemployed construction workers,engineers,IFSC trolls,nurses, more HSE admin staff into labour by building this. Bruton’s team carried out a study on ancient Egyptian policies of macroeconomics, public/private spending, dealing with downturns, slavery etc and came to the conclusion that it is financially feasible to build this giant coffin for the next four cycles of Irish economic boom and bust. The memo states that “after watching the last couple of Prime Time Investigates the wage bracket of low paid jobs in Ireland is not that far off Ancient Egypt in the period 2500 BC to 2420 BC. This can work". There are two problems forseen by Bruton's little team of nerds. Firstly, what to do when Ireland starts its fifth economic cycle somewhere mid century and secondly, that we may have to deal with the Burren being completely empty after we have fucking annihilated it for all its limestone consistently for three decades.

Construction would begin late 2009 and be complete by somewhere mid 2042.The FG analysts took into account significant loses in manpower through plague, cholera and starvation. "You know the usual problems associated with subjugating a decent majority of the population into 17 hour workdays - kind of what its currently like to work in Londis". At this stage it would be ready to hold the remains of Garrett FitzGerald. This section of the memo finishes off with the line, “how fucking slick would it be to fly into Dublin Airport and be greeted by the sight of a 150 storey tall pyramid. Bad ass doesn’t even cover it”.

Bad-ass....indeed Mr.Bruton.

(2.)The memo agrees with the current government plan to invest a bit of cash into the broad ranging field of ‘science and technology’. Seeing as ‘science and technology’ in Ireland covers everything from curing cancer to creating sweet robots which can morph their arms into sharp objects, the FG paper advises “that the area of investment become more specific, i.e. Ireland’s first nuclear weapons program”. It goes on to state that, “Ireland has lost its competitiveness due to various factors such as the devaluing of the Sterling. There is very little chance that this competitiveness will return in the medium/long term".

"Therefore, we need to show our neighbours we mean fucking business and sticking a few ICBM’s on Erins Isle will do just that. If they (I’m guessing by ‘they’ FG means everyone) don’t buy our pigs and computer chips we will just have to burn their cities to the ground and poison their land with radiation for the next 200 years. This initiative also has the added benefit of keeping numerous poindexters in Irish labs busy for the next decade”.

A rigorous analysis of Game Theory is subsequently provided and this section of the paper concludes with the statement that “if Iran can do it, so can we, look at how many concessions those lads have got out of the Yanks and the Red Coats – in fact, we would be idiots NOT to do this”.

Terrifying stuff from the Blueshirts.

(Note: All of the above is premised on Bruton's party actually fiddling around with their groin area, realising they have a pair of testicals and strolling out of Leinster house, therefore forcing an election. Followed by FG then winning said election.)

Batt O'Keeffe

Batt O’Keeffe is a political enigma, kind of like Otto Von Bismarck. Except Batt hasn’t managed to piss off France for 20 years. Yet. Batt was made Minister for Education by Cowen a little while ago and like every single one of his education predecessors he has managed to get Kidare Street clogged up by slightly angry teachers on a weekday.

The reason Batt is a political enigma is because he hasn’t been all that honest with the Cork or Irish electorate. And more importantly the American electorate. What a shit load of people don’t know is that Mr.O’Keeffe was Ralph Nader’s running mate in the recent US presidential election. And that Batt O’Keeffe isn’t actually his real name. Matt Alves Olivera Gonzalez’ exploits in the land of the free can be found at www.votenader.org. Long story short - they lost - by a lot.

I managed to get an interview last week with Batt’s assistant Jose Huerro Maria Batistuta and questioned him about the double identity of Senor Gonzalez. “Yeah its all fucking true - we got lazy with the first name and just changed the first letter but we decided to go apeshit with the surname. The people of Cork haven't got a bleedin' clue that his real name is Matt Alves Olivera Gonzalez. Matt is also half Guatemalan–half Irish. Him and Ralphie were pretty happy with the twenty-four national votes they picked up on November 4th, especially the sixteen they got in Wisconsin". However, Batistuta did admit that two of the eight votes in West Virginia where from J1 students with forged election ballots that Batt had met on holidays last year.

Which would explain the picture above. Its himself on the US presidential campaign trail. Batt, not known for his geographical prowess, had apparently wandered across the 49th parallel and into Canada (he thought the thing behind him was the state flag of Vermont). According to press reports he gave a speech to the local Inuit population of Canuck province New Brunswick on the merits of ice. Batt promised New Brunswick that if elected VP he would “Give Vermont Ice”.

I moved on to question Batistuta about the ethics of his boss, the blatant lying to the people of Cork and if there are any more secrets that have been kept under wraps for the past two decades.

Batistuta: “Actually there are a lot of thing we have had to keep secret from the electorate but I wouldn’t like to go into them. All I can give you is one word: gerbiling. Also, lets be honest here, those yokes in Cork North West would not have voted for a man who spends his weekends re-enacting ancient Mayan bridal ceremonies in Fermoy".

The shit doesn’t stop there. While running with Nader Batt/Matt did some work for the Financial Regulator on their new advertising campaign. The regulators budget was 300k, but Batt was supposedly like ‘fuck this’ – so he offered 350k. Done deal.

“See most people don’t know that Matt has a PhD in ‘Subliminal Psychology’ from the Universidad del Valle de Guatemala”, noted Batistuta during the interview. “Matt knew this banking bail-out was coming,he could feel it ‘in his balls’ – as he told me. So he sorted the Financial Regulator out with their 'itsyourmoney' campaign.Making people believe that its ok to guarantee their money and savings with their own tax money – its sweet. And all we had to do was get two knobends on TV to fuck around with a touch screen monitor and look really happy at the end of the ad. Its worked a treat and not a murmur from Joe Sap Public. Why? Seven words...Matt Alves Olivera Gonzalez and his genius”.

Batt has retained his Secret Service presidential nominee detachment in Cork North West. Basically two blokes in a camper van outside his pad 24-7. There have been rumours that the paramilitary leftist wing of the INTO has reformed.

To finish off, it is largely thought that Batt made this happen.

John Gormley

There's John with a human sized elf. Is it any wonder that the State's finances are as about as healthy as Wiemar Germany when the Department of Environment has to bribe people to dress up as fictional creatures to promote a "greener Ireland". There's also too much good shit already on the interweb about this bloke. Like here, here and here.But I'll give it a lash - grows up in Limerick, becomes a TD in 1997 and goes on to make a tit of himself on RTE. Shown here...I stopped counting the number of times Gormley said the word no after 40 seconds in. Some of you Krusties out there will argue that the clip shows Gormley has conviction. My anus.

So apart from helping out with Irish-Sino relations, backtracking on Tara and standing beside elves what else does John do? John writes a blog - that's what he does. But he's been really really really busy lately so he just hasn't had time to keep it up to date. So I'm going to help him out. Here's his post for the 30th of September:

Last night I popped into bed at 10 after America's Next Top Model - I was out in a flash. Woke up to find two burly members of the Garda Siochana standing over my bed. Hope they didnt spot the manifestation below. They were causing a big hullabaloo because my phone had been on silent. Twenty four missed calls from Leno - "Jeez Louise", I exclaimed. Was on my way to Government buildings in no time - still slightly aroused - the girls had got their makeovers and were doing an underwear shoot in last night's episode of Top Model. Brian and Brian had got all this banking fuss sorted in no time and through all the dilly-dallying everywhere I managed to get a quick nap on Brian's sofa and finish myself off. Off to the Leisure Plex today.

With the above I think I helped out John with his blog, but for now I'm going to take a back seat and let John have his word. Gormley thinks he's down with the kids, like Cameron in the UK with his "I've got Radiohead on my ipod". I came across this interview with a bit of an auld google search. In my opinion the highlights are the following;

Have you been to the cinema recently, what did you see and was it any good?
I saw Once on DVD. It was OK.

Your idea of heaven?
Living in total harmony with nature.

By nature he means Fianna Fail. I would also like to point out that according to this interview John's uncle lives in a place called "Muff". I'll leave it at that so.

As for Gormley and his Greens the next few years (possbily months) are going to be a lot of rock and a hard place situations. Shit one. Story goes that Harney texted Gormley on the day before FF caved in about the over 70's medical card yoke with, "the worst day in government is always better than the best day in opposition". Trouble is you know Gormley fucking believes this 100%. The tree-huggers have spent so long trying to get into government that no amount of hypocrisy on motorways through heritage sites or shitting on our OAP's will make them break up their 'coalition of the willing' with FF.

You reckon its going to take a political debacle of epic proportions to make the Greens jump ship - like the government having to fork out my tax and every other dickhead's PAYE on bailing out a bank. My prediction, like its namesake in Iraq, this coalition is already fucked. Its only a matter of time before its bye bye to the Greens for another generation which should allow Gormley, bored out of his GM-free tree, to get back to his farcical blog.

Enda Kenny

In the fine words of Jay-Z, Enda Kenny "has 99 problems but a bitch ain't one". Yes yes, one of Enda's many problems is that he wears horrendously tight spandex pants while cycling, as evident in the photo above. Enda Kenny is the goober on the right by the way.Apparently he had just come off stabilisers that morning, which would explain the whole veering towards the side barrier.

Its getting pretty ridiculous at this stage but you have guessed it alright, yet again one of the finest politicians ever to emerge from Castlebar (out of 3, one being a JCB) started his career as a primary school teacher. He also picked up in the Dail from where his da left off. While teaching to some rugrats in 1975, he decided 'you know what, fuck it, I'm sick of bringing these shits on nature walks - Im off to Dublin 2'.And by Jaysus Enda hasn't looked back since. The Irish nation, which includes Fine Gael voters, haven't really got over that decision yet and its been 33 years....and counting. Kenny is now leader of Fine Gael. He is also, because of his 33 year stint, 'Father of the Dail' - listen I dont know even know where the fuck to start with that one.

Another one of Enda's 99 problems is that no matter how much Fianna Fail bollock up or blow election promises out their collective arse, he just can't seem to get his party elected to government. Morgan Tsvangirai of Zimbabwae, a legend amongst all men, has spent less time in opposition. And that's fucking saying something.

Now Enda has been trying. He has appealed to a wide range of voters before elections by promising such things as free Sex and the City DVD's to those thinking of voting for Varadkar (see previous post). In 2005 he also called for the abolishment of Leaving Cert Irish as a compulsory course. What Enda didnt foresee in that promise, is that once a leaving cert student has done their Irish test the vast majority (94% in fact) couldnt care less about younger students having to or not having to sit the exam. In fact, we being Irish and wishing hardship on our fellow Paddy would want those students to go through the very same shit we went through back in the day. I can say with confidence, that is where Fine Gael lost the election of 2007. The leaving cert classes of 1988 to 2007 taking the preverbial piss.

Enda has also come up with ridiculous names for coalition governments like the 'Mullingar Accord'. Now I'll admit the 'Palensitinian/Israeli Peace Accord' has a certain ring to it - but Mullingar - it just doesn't have the same gravitas or swank.

Problem 26 of 99 - Enda just wont let some things go. He recently released an auto-biography styled on another possible leader in waiting - B to the Obama. "The Audacity of DeValera and his Irregulars to walk out of the Dail in 1922 and put the country to civil war", published in July of this year also lists extensively the wrongs of Fianna Fail. From that rapscallion Dev pissing off Churchill during and after WW2, to when FF allowed Willie O'Dea and his Toyota Yaris on an episode of MTV's 'Pimp My Ride', the book is almost forensic in its attention to detail about the fuck up's of FF. Apparently the book's publisher Penguin Classic are going to be coming out with a 'rough guide to Fine Gael'. Best-motherfucking-seller right there.

Some advice for the Blueshirts - its been long enough. With the state of the economy, health service and transport system, Stalin with an election promise of 'gulags for all' could win the next couple of elections for Fine Gael. If you (FG) get pillaged during the Local's and European's next year give Enda his P45, spandex pants and stabilisers and tell him to get on his bike back to Mayo. It will do you all a big favour.

Mary Harney

Mary Harney is frightening - just look at that picture above. No further words need be added to illustrate this image, every pixel tells its own story. Of horror.

Harney is another 'heavyweight' on the Irish political scene. Like 97% of the Dail she was a schoolteacher before entering politics. As is my way I couldn't be arsed researching her past so I'm just going to copy what wikipedia says about her early political life. "She holds the record as the youngest Senator in the Seanad, being 24 on appointment. In 1979 Harney had her first electoral success when she was elected to Dublin City Council. Two years later she was successfully elected to the Dail in the 1981 general election for Dublin South West. She has retained her seat at every election since then". Like all people who have read this fact about Mary my first thought was, "Lord Jehovah - save the people of that constituency from eternal damnation for they do not know what they do".

Harney became a founder-member of the Progressive Democrats in 1986 and has been fucking around the top of that "party" ever since. Another useful piece of information about Harney is that she is unable to start new sentences with capital letters, which has lead to our health system being ranked 25th of 26 in the EU + Switzerland, only ahead of Lithuania (again wikipedia) and her webpage looking spa-like.

Mary has fought off charges of gross incompetence, evading Luas ticket inspectors, stealing from Toymaster and the near annihilation of the PD's to remain in charge of the Irish health system since 2006. Opinions are, shall we say, slightly mixed on the type of job she has done since her appointment. However, recent statistics now show that an Irish person suffering with bubonic plague during the Black Death would have had a better chance of staying alive by going to the local apothecary, than if they were to limp into an Irish hospital with a sprained ankle tomorrow.

Now it would be easy for me to make light of Mary's 'consumption issue', which I think some of Ireland's finest political correspondents in the Irish Times and Weekly Sport go too far with, but there is another piece of information that must be divulged to the public (or this blog's 3 readers). Met Eireann has noted that the sheer density of Harney's mass is having extraordinary effects on the Irish tidal system. Irish tides, at intervals of 6 hours are literally being dragged towards her, nullifying the gravitational pull of the Moon. This phenomenon has resulted in levels of soil erosion along Ireland's east coast increasing 22 fold since 1979. Scientific fact.

In December 2001, Harney used a Government plane which was 50% funded by the European Commission to travel to Leitrim to open a friend's off-license. Harney later apologised for having abused her position in using the plane for non government business arguing that duty called because free pie was on offer in Leitrim. The aircraft has subsequently been devoted to maritime surveillance of the soil erosion effects discussed above.

So what have we learned about Mary Harney from the above? Nothing really, but the day will have to come when the people of Dublin South West say 'No' and tell Mary to go back to Ballinasloe. Either that or we wait for a black hole to be opened up in the front row of Dail Eireann because Harney's density reached critical mass.

Pat Rabbitte

The photo above goes as follows:

Pat Rabbitte, bloke on the left: “See her, I pinged her in a school disco back in 1963”.

Bertie Ahern: “Decent Pat, decent Pat – has potential”.

Enda Kenny: “Did you get the ride?"

Pat: “No”.

Mark Durkan: “Wouldn’t touch her with a barge pole”.

Pat: “Thanks for that input there Mark”.

Pat Rabbitte was born in Mayo in 1949, he is currently 59. He has gone from being a dirty Leninist red a la Workers party when he got his first Dail seat in 1989, to being a greedy capitalist like the rest of the people in Ireland with common sense. He has done some shit like lead the Labour party, but nothing that would be like fucking insane. Not like playing Monopoly with real money.

To my understanding, at least three of the following stories about Pat Rabitte are true.

(1) Pat models and is a sales rep for the “Lancome make-up for men” range in Brown Thomas on Grafton Street during the summer months. I didn’t believe this one myself; but apparently Pat threw his CV into Brown Thomas while the Dail was on its break last summer and got the job the next day, no interview either. I got talking to one of Pat’s rival male make-up reps in BT to clarify the story. Your man Patrick O’Flaherty told me this,

“His eyebrows are delicious and whatever blusher he uses it really brings out his high cheekbones. He knows his make-up. The man is an inspiration to everyone that works in Brown Thomas and especially for the customers that shop in here. I would literally execute someone for his eyelashes”.

(2) Pat can be misunderstood sometimes, especially around newcomers to his office. My cousin was his temp PA for a few hours last year. She told me that on her first day Pat was showing her around his Dail office when he came out with this gem. “And that’s where the magic happens”, while pointing to a large leather sofa in the corner of the room. My cousin Breda reminded him of the illegality of sexual harassment in the workplace and the potential effect such an incident could have on his political career.

“Nah, nah, I’m not shitting you – that's actually where I do me magic”, retorted Pat. So they both sat down on the sofa, Pat whipped out a pack of cards and did that trick where the dealer asks you to pick a card, then splits the deck and then finds your card. Breda pointed out that this was a trick 8 years old learn. She got fired the next day.

(3) Pat is related to the bloke who found L.casei Immunitas in Danone Actimel bottles.

(4) Pat produced and mixed Radiohead’s last album “In Rainbows”. A lot of people go on about the sixth member of Radiohead being a guy called Nigel Godrich. Its bollocks. Forget about introducing progressive legislation into the Dail, Pat for the last two years has been introducing Thom Yorke to some seriously progressive beats, tweaks and opticians. Pat was there every step of the way for the band’s recent voyage into pretentious wankery. His next musical project will be of his own tunes, which according to Pat’s press officer “attempts to combine Bay Area hip-hop with Nepalese traditional styles”. I look forward to its release.

(5) Pat was the first and only politician to attack Dick Spring with a teacup. Story goes that during the Rainbow Coalition of the 90’s, Dick Spring and Pat Rabitte were constantly taking the piss out of one another across the Cabinet table. “Pat you are a tubby fuck who loves the auld pie” with a response such as “Richard you have a large horizontal muff on your face just below your nose”, would apparently be heard on a daily basis, according to insiders. One day it got a little heated with Dick replying to one of Pat’s jibes with “Your momma”. That didn’t go down well, that didn’t go down well at all. Dick got minced in the neck – harsh.

Micheal Martin

Micheal Martin was born in 1960 to a boxer and someone else. According to his website Martin, before "entering public life on an occupational basis", was a school teacher. Apparently he wasn't mad on the full-time politician hours of 48 minutes per week and was a little worried about the tag "occupational". Plus it meant that he couldn't fulfill his life-long dream of driving an ice-cream van. But he eventually got over himself and into the Cork Corporation in 1985. From then on....well it was onwards, upwards and sideways in Fianna Fail.

Above is himself on the left with a Goebbel's like grin and a load of wankers (easy on the lipstick Micheal). Like most politicians, Martin claims all the credit for the work of his civil servants and advisers, most notably the smoking ban he introduced in 2004. Apart from getting two gold stars and a smiley face in his copy book off Bertie for passing the ban, Martin received recognition from the American Lung Association of Arkansas for his outstanding leadership. Problem is that Martin can't even spell Arkansas, a fact which ruled him out of collecting his prestigious award.

Story goes that Martin was sick of seeing Willie O'Dea getting all the attention off the birds in Coppers on Student nights, because Willie offered them a puff of his cigar. So Martin decided smoking in Coppers / the whole Republic was fucking outta here. (Shit one because O'Dea gets even more of the honeyz now with his effective smurting).

Micheal spends his time in the Dail doing piss all because the post of Foreign Affairs, which was thrown his way after Cowen's coup, is as about as productive as North Korea. If the Department of Social and Family Affairs is regarded as the post that is halfway out the cabinet door, then Foreign Affairs is pretty much being told to fucking leave the country and never come back.

Micheal told us that he had two main objectives on coming into Iveagh House, (i) to get the Lisbon Treaty passed and (ii) to invade Liechtenstein. The first one could be over by tomorrow night and the second one could be done and dusted by brunch Friday, if O'Dea and the boys down in the Curragh got their shit together.

Staying with Martin's second objective, nobody can really argue with its logic. I've heard that the plan is to rob a few bayonet's and six-shooters off the Yanks while they are passing through Shannon, on their way to Mesopotamia, over the next few weeks. We (Ireland) have kind of needed revenge for that deplorable 0-0 draw we had with Liechtenstein in one of our qualifying campaigns a few years ago - can't remember which one, but I do remember the entire European continent laughing at us. The quicker we annex Liechtenstein the better. Sure nobody in Europe will even notice / give a toss.

Micheal is going to have a tough few years ahead of him. Cowen has publicly given him the "piss off you langer" sign by throwing him the dead end job on St.Stephen's Green. Cowen, after spending 11 years scratching his bollocks beside Bertie is going to want to stick around in the hot seat for a good while. It could be a long long time before Micheal can get himself sorted for a run at the leadership. My advice to him would be to keep the head down in Foreign Affairs, pray to Moses Lisbon is passed and start shocking and awing the arse off Liechtenstein.