A quick update

Apologies for the break folks – I was busy helping Enda throw together the Fine Gael plan to put this state €11 billion further into financial oblivion. Might be a good time to provide you with an update on some of our ministers and opposition spokespersonpeople.

Mary Harney:
Over the last few months Mongo Harney has had the pleasure of seeing one of her disgusting decisions pan itself out on Living TV and Living +1 TV. The strife of Ms.Goody has shown up Harney’s decision to not allow the young fillies of Ireland to get the cervical cancer jabs for what it really is – fucking sexual genocide. I guess it must be hard for Harney to avoid Goody’s face (& fate) seeing as every time she sits down for her daily Quarter Pounder with Cheese and Chips meal in the Dail cafeteria Goody’s beaming gob is smiling back at her from every tabloid newspaper.

Mongo, as a Cabinet member, has allowed the HSE execs to award themselves another pay rise and let Fingleton fuck off to Barbados with some of my pension-levy riddled salary. This is as a result of that little blank cheque Lenihan awarded last September to the Irish b(w)ankers . Message to Harney: When your political “party” officially dies piss off home and never show your face in public again.

Richard Bruton:
He still ain’t top dog yet in the Department of Finance and probably won’t be by the end of 2009. And that will be because the German finance ministry in the guise of the IMF will be running the show. You know that old saying “The Germans are invading”…nowadays it’s the fucking money shot. Be afraid people….be very afraid. He has ditched the idea of building a giant pyramid for the next three decades on the site of Dublin airport’s Terminal 2 (as detailed in his biog below) for a more “non-lethal” proposal. FG plan to build a “smart” electricity grid, with smart meters which supposedly will aid in the development of a greener Ireland. Smart grids, even smarter meters, smart robots….you know what that is? Just watch Terminator 1 &2 (see image above) and check out what happens when we start letting “smart” shit (i.e. not Cowen) run our lives – humanity gets obliterated.

(Beday penetration is now up to 94.73% in Government Buildings – it was at 95% but Cowen got rid of his during the week after a schoolteacher painted a portrait of Il Duce relieving himself in Hanafin’s office).

Brian Lenihan:
Aw dude – shit one.

Tommy Broughan:
Tommy is still digging the head off Redser who has been slagging Ciara because Tina had given her a slap. Tina had caught Ciara eating the face off Redser outside Burger King on O’Connell Street. Tommy has also become good friends with Aisling who I saw on the Luas last week. Aisling came out with this gem, “saw fuckin’ Deirdre outside school today and told her I was scarlet for her, and she was like fuck off, so I turned around and was like you’re fat, you haven’t got a fella and your roots are shite”.

Tommy has still got his ass-grove in order on the Opposition benches although with Eamonn Gilmore now being more popular than Wispas there is a good chance he might be switching sides in the near future. (* I reckon 6 weeks might do it: Lenihan’s Emergency budget is put before the Dail + it fails because the two Indepdendents & a few FF bankbenchers jump ship in order to save their own hide + Government collapses + election = sound).

Willie O’Dea:
Willie is now best mates with the rapper T.I and will still seriously fuck you up.
(Health warning: don’t ever read his pieces in the Sunday Indo – it will produce excruciating pains in your brain, which will lead to blood clots and eventual death….note similar health warning applies to Brendan Tubby O’Connor).

Leo Varadkar:
Varadkar has kept a relatively low profile since his return from the recent Georgian-Russian conflict. In true Crimean War style all enemies of Russia were asked to join in the fight against the darned Ruskie invaders and Leo heeded the call of his Asia Minor brethren. It took him fucking ages to get out there because he went off with sword in hand, mace and shield on some pony he bought in Smithfield. About 2 months actually. Big waste of time because he missed the whole fucking show.

What made shit worse is that his stolen Irish passport didn’t clear when he was passing through the Turnu Roşu Pass of the Romanian Carpathian mountain range on his way back. Added another 3 weeks on to the return leg. Prick just made about it.

Bertie Ahern:
Bertie is off wanking down the back of the class/Dail.

Brendan Smith

No - not the bankers, the Wall street traders or the even dickhead property developers could have ruined Christmas '08 to the level that this pleb could have with one stroke of a pen. He nearly did, he nearly fucking did. If he had allowed that 'dioxin' (what a made up word) scare to go on any longer it would have been cans of Dutch Gold and some turkey for Christmas dinner. The Irish people were this close to not having any ham to mix with our parsley sauce during the festive period. Really - it was that fucking close. As close as these two blokes.

Anyway...Scrooge is actually called Brendan Smith, Minister for Agriculture who has done nothing of interest, politically, since entering the post in 2008 - except nearly managing to annihilate the agriculture industry of Ireland. Funny that, seeing as he is the Minister for said area and all. He also, in his previous role as Minister for Children, wanted to hold a referendum on children. This government won't even fork up the cash for the HSE to protect children, oh in say Roscommon, never mind spending the dosh on holding a referendum on their rights. Brendan Smith doesn't even know what children are. He thinks they are some sort of mutated garden gnome.

According to his website Smith was born in Cavan, wherever that is, and after he went to school and did other shit he became a "full time Public Representative". Impressive Brendan.

As I said Smith has done nothing really of political interest in the past few years. However, that doesn't mean he hasn't done anything of general interest while raking in loads of cash for being a full time public representative. I found out a few weeks ago that if you text the word 'DailSmith' to 56969 you can get Brendan's rendition of Take That's "Greatest Day" as a ringtone on your mobile.

(*If you text 'DailChat' to the number you can have a natter with Joan Burton. I was chatting away with Joan for fucking ages there yesterday - she is well sound. The same service offers downloadable pictures on to your phone of Brian Cowen. Four pictures a month for six euro. Sign me up I hear you say but I woudn't recommend it - I had to text 'stop' after seeing the second one).

But back to Brendan. In fairness, he is going to let one of the soon to be released prisoners of Guantanamo Bay stay in his gaff while the Department of Foreign Affairs finds them something on Daft. Michael Martin reckons that Cavan is a good halfway house between illegal incarciration and actual freedom - drip feed the prisoner back into normal life. Actually, that's who Brendan is talking to in the picture above, one of the prospective dwellers arriving from Gitmo. He spent New Years chilling in the Cuban detention centre working on his tan and apparently had a fucking sweet time. And I can see why he did from the photo above - Brendan you devilish rascal. (Randomers in the background are other people from his holiday package - I'd advise all three readers of this blog to check out the quality deal Budget Travel are doing on trips to Gitmo this summer).

Smith is also known for really long oblique references to shit and ridiculous attempts at Cockney rhyming slang. The following was apparently put together by Smith on a 'Questions and Answers' programme last month.

Brendan: "You know John - I'm really worried about all the young people who may soon find themselves on the Senator who ran as the Republican candidate for President in the 1996 US election against Bill Clinton".

Bowman: "You mean Dole?".

Smith: "Yes".

Going forward, things aren't looking too good for Brendan. As Minister for Agriculture it is important that he remembers one thing - the farmers will leave you out to fucking dry even if it appears like you have done them a favour. They have been doing that shit since the Earls booted off the Europe. A shot in the arm of €180 million for the lads after the 'dioxin' scare is not going to save Brendan's bacon (my finest moment - just right there) at the next election. The farmers still think Brussels is picking them off one by one, they are pissed and they blame Smith. I reckon he's already gone.