In the fine words of Jay-Z, Enda Kenny "has 99 problems but a bitch ain't one". Yes yes, one of Enda's many problems is that he wears horrendously tight spandex pants while cycling, as evident in the photo above. Enda Kenny is the goober on the right by the way.Apparently he had just come off stabilisers that morning, which would explain the whole veering towards the side barrier.
Its getting pretty ridiculous at this stage but you have guessed it alright, yet again one of the finest politicians ever to emerge from Castlebar (out of 3, one being a JCB) started his career as a primary school teacher. He also picked up in the Dail from where his da left off. While teaching to some rugrats in 1975, he decided 'you know what, fuck it, I'm sick of bringing these shits on nature walks - Im off to Dublin 2'.And by Jaysus Enda hasn't looked back since. The Irish nation, which includes Fine Gael voters, haven't really got over that decision yet and its been 33 years....and counting. Kenny is now leader of Fine Gael. He is also, because of his 33 year stint, 'Father of the Dail' - listen I dont know even know where the fuck to start with that one.
Another one of Enda's 99 problems is that no matter how much Fianna Fail bollock up or blow election promises out their collective arse, he just can't seem to get his party elected to government. Morgan Tsvangirai of Zimbabwae, a legend amongst all men, has spent less time in opposition. And that's fucking saying something.
Now Enda has been trying. He has appealed to a wide range of voters before elections by promising such things as free Sex and the City DVD's to those thinking of voting for Varadkar (see previous post). In 2005 he also called for the abolishment of Leaving Cert Irish as a compulsory course. What Enda didnt foresee in that promise, is that once a leaving cert student has done their Irish test the vast majority (94% in fact) couldnt care less about younger students having to or not having to sit the exam. In fact, we being Irish and wishing hardship on our fellow Paddy would want those students to go through the very same shit we went through back in the day. I can say with confidence, that is where Fine Gael lost the election of 2007. The leaving cert classes of 1988 to 2007 taking the preverbial piss.
Enda has also come up with ridiculous names for coalition governments like the 'Mullingar Accord'. Now I'll admit the 'Palensitinian/Israeli Peace Accord' has a certain ring to it - but Mullingar - it just doesn't have the same gravitas or swank.
Problem 26 of 99 - Enda just wont let some things go. He recently released an auto-biography styled on another possible leader in waiting - B to the Obama. "The Audacity of DeValera and his Irregulars to walk out of the Dail in 1922 and put the country to civil war", published in July of this year also lists extensively the wrongs of Fianna Fail. From that rapscallion Dev pissing off Churchill during and after WW2, to when FF allowed Willie O'Dea and his Toyota Yaris on an episode of MTV's 'Pimp My Ride', the book is almost forensic in its attention to detail about the fuck up's of FF. Apparently the book's publisher Penguin Classic are going to be coming out with a 'rough guide to Fine Gael'. Best-motherfucking-seller right there.
Some advice for the Blueshirts - its been long enough. With the state of the economy, health service and transport system, Stalin with an election promise of 'gulags for all' could win the next couple of elections for Fine Gael. If you (FG) get pillaged during the Local's and European's next year give Enda his P45, spandex pants and stabilisers and tell him to get on his bike back to Mayo. It will do you all a big favour.
