The photo above goes as follows:
Pat Rabbitte, bloke on the left: “See her, I pinged her in a school disco back in 1963”.
Bertie Ahern: “Decent Pat, decent Pat – has potential”.
Enda Kenny: “Did you get the ride?"
Pat: “No”.
Mark Durkan: “Wouldn’t touch her with a barge pole”.
Pat: “Thanks for that input there Mark”.
Pat Rabbitte was born in Mayo in 1949, he is currently 59. He has gone from being a dirty Leninist red a la Workers party when he got his first Dail seat in 1989, to being a greedy capitalist like the rest of the people in Ireland with common sense. He has done some shit like lead the Labour party, but nothing that would be like fucking insane. Not like playing Monopoly with real money.
To my understanding, at least three of the following stories about Pat Rabitte are true.
(1) Pat models and is a sales rep for the “Lancome make-up for men” range in Brown Thomas on Grafton Street during the summer months. I didn’t believe this one myself; but apparently Pat threw his CV into Brown Thomas while the Dail was on its break last summer and got the job the next day, no interview either. I got talking to one of Pat’s rival male make-up reps in BT to clarify the story. Your man Patrick O’Flaherty told me this,
“His eyebrows are delicious and whatever blusher he uses it really brings out his high cheekbones. He knows his make-up. The man is an inspiration to everyone that works in Brown Thomas and especially for the customers that shop in here. I would literally execute someone for his eyelashes”.
(2) Pat can be misunderstood sometimes, especially around newcomers to his office. My cousin was his temp PA for a few hours last year. She told me that on her first day Pat was showing her around his Dail office when he came out with this gem. “And that’s where the magic happens”, while pointing to a large leather sofa in the corner of the room. My cousin Breda reminded him of the illegality of sexual harassment in the workplace and the potential effect such an incident could have on his political career.
“Nah, nah, I’m not shitting you – that's actually where I do me magic”, retorted Pat. So they both sat down on the sofa, Pat whipped out a pack of cards and did that trick where the dealer asks you to pick a card, then splits the deck and then finds your card. Breda pointed out that this was a trick 8 years old learn. She got fired the next day.
(3) Pat is related to the bloke who found L.casei Immunitas in Danone Actimel bottles.
(4) Pat produced and mixed Radiohead’s last album “In Rainbows”. A lot of people go on about the sixth member of Radiohead being a guy called Nigel Godrich. Its bollocks. Forget about introducing progressive legislation into the Dail, Pat for the last two years has been introducing Thom Yorke to some seriously progressive beats, tweaks and opticians. Pat was there every step of the way for the band’s recent voyage into pretentious wankery. His next musical project will be of his own tunes, which according to Pat’s press officer “attempts to combine Bay Area hip-hop with Nepalese traditional styles”. I look forward to its release.
(5) Pat was the first and only politician to attack Dick Spring with a teacup. Story goes that during the Rainbow Coalition of the 90’s, Dick Spring and Pat Rabitte were constantly taking the piss out of one another across the Cabinet table. “Pat you are a tubby fuck who loves the auld pie” with a response such as “Richard you have a large horizontal muff on your face just below your nose”, would apparently be heard on a daily basis, according to insiders. One day it got a little heated with Dick replying to one of Pat’s jibes with “Your momma”. That didn’t go down well, that didn’t go down well at all. Dick got minced in the neck – harsh.
